Can’t wait till the FDA approves “female Viagra.” Not for me! No, no, I just want to see the ads.

I’ve never been with a man who used Viagra or Cialis (have I?), but according to the incessant commercials, those drugs turn guys into insatiable studs for up to four hours. Not only are they “ready when she’s ready,” they’re ready when she’s on a ladder trying to paint the kitchen ceiling, or stirring a pot of chili before getting the kids off to soccer practice.

Wouldn’t you really like to hear what the woman with the paint roller in her hand has to say to her husband who has just decided the “moment is right?” Right. She might not quite be in that same moment, but that’s probably because she’s got hypoactive sexual disorder. You know, can’t get into-it-itis. A libido so damaged it doesn’t even occur to her to hurl the paint roller onto the new couch, rip off her overalls and drag her husband down onto the drop cloth for one orgasmic, latex semi-gloss love feast.

If there were only a pill for her like the one he has, well, hell, the house would never get painted at all, and who would care? When the couple wasn’t at it on the paint-splattered sofa, they’d be soaking in their his-and-hers claw footed porcelain tubs, out back in their very own meadow bursting with Spring.

Time was –oh so long ago — that just one bathtub, without drugs, sufficed for coupled heaven. True, that scenario would be difficult to pull off in an ad, even on cable. Also, to anyone over 40 and above about 120 pounds it would look just…uncomfortable. I imagine that’s what they were thinking at the ad agency conference table when the guy with the sex-in-the-tub fantasy said, “I know! How about his-and-her bathtubs!” And so compelling was the vision with the tubs in the garden they lost the thought train on the sex part. Or perhaps they were trying to show that after a four-hour Viagra-thon most adults need a little space, and also probably their own washcloth.

At any rate, these TV ad fantasies are all about what happens when men get a little boost from a pill. What about women? What will the “Femagra” slogan be? “Sounds like a pesticide, works like a trip to Tahiti”?

As for the ad, in order to level the playing field with Cialis, I’m going with the dishwasher scenario: She bends over to load it. He puts his dirty dishes in the sink and then exits the room, scratching himself. Something just…je ne sais quoi about him padding off to watch ESPN (that combined with the arousing aroma of lemon-scented Electrosol) ….is that a moment, or what?

With the help of “female Viagra” these moments will strike over and over, like a Tim Lincecum no-hitter, so as an alternative ad I propose the Costco Parking Lot Moment.

The couple has stacked onto a rolling pallet 40 rolls of toilet paper, a case of wine, four-packs of spaghetti sauce and assorted cereals, office supplies and look! These designer jeans for only thirteen bucks!

They lift the trunk of the SUV. She bends over, hoists the toilet paper in. He brushes across her chest while loading the spaghetti sauce. The asphalt is sizzling and beads of perspiration form above their lips. By the time they roll out of the lot they can barely contain themselves. Forty years of marriage, but these two are hot. And they have meds.

The SUV pulls onto the freeway but before the first exit –a frontage road — the camera pans in on the gas gauge: empty. Thank heavens for $4.50-a-gallon gas, because now they must pull over on this road. The car sputters to a stop beside a vast field of wildflowers. Far off on the horizon, all by themselves, sit two bathtubs. Just waiting for the moment to be fulfilled.